Thursday, August 26, 2010

Hello internet. I need some help. *

One of the reasons I lurve the internet is because you can answer just about any question you might have. Or someone else can answer it for you.

So I need some new jeans. For years the long and lean was my standard. Then I had kids. Then I was poor and fat. And now I'm slightly less poor and less fat. So I'd like to go back to nicer jeans. The Long and Lean just doesn't fit me right anymore. (Not to bore you with details or anything but I think it's because I used to wear ONLY heels so my jeans could be longer and now I wear ONLY flats so even the ankle length is too long.) (I know. You are GLUED to your computer screen right now wondering where I'm going next. Socks? Tank tops?) I went to The Gap and everything there is either a) ultra skinny minnie jeans or b) jeggings. Which, really, I fail to see the difference but apparently there is one.

So here is the criteria: Must come in dark wash; Must not be insanely expensive (because I have $700 boots to buy so I can't be spending $300 on jeans); Must be for someone approaching 30.

So, tell me, what jeans do you love?

*Abbreviated version of this whole post: I need some new jeans. Where do you get yours and do you like them?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I have a pet peeve. Ok, I have a lot of pet peeves. Seriously, a book should be written about all the things that people do that bother me. This one annoyance has bothered me for years. YEARS. And that, Internet, is the blatant misuse of the word literally.

I can remember the exact moment that I started hating this word. I was in 9th grade. A girl that I knew was up at the chalk board answering a question when she got choked on something. And she coughed and choked a few times but nothing that anyone thought we needed to call 911 or something. When she recovered, she said, "I was LITERALLY choking!" and she went on to repeat that phrase what felt like 852 times. "I was LITERALLY choking!" I remember going home and telling my mom about it and saying, "Of course she was literally choking. What other kind of choking is there? FIGURATIVELY choking?"

Misuse.

Since that time, the complete and utter misuse of this world has bothered me in a way I can't really express in human terms. And it has gotten worse because LITERALLY has become a very mainstream word.

Take our good friend and celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe. CLEAR MISUSE, RACHEL.

A friend emailed me last night and said she had been sitting in a lecture when the speaker said, "We will open the world to you...literally." No. Not literally. What he should have said was, "We will open the world to you....figuratively."

And this, friends, is where you come in. We are starting a revolution. Please use the word literally correctly and encourage others to do the same. For example, if you went to the DMV and had to wait awhile and you said, "Literally, I just waited 30 hours at the DMV." Now you probably didn't really wait 30 hours. So say, "Figuratively, I just waited 30 hours at the DMV."

And don't bother writing our president about this problem. His administration are some of the offenders. See how Arne Duncan thinks we are literally walking backwards here. And google "Joe Biden literally" for examples of his overuse of the word.

Go ahead. Google it. I'll wait.

Here's the thing: Everyone has a word or words that they use to add emphasis. I use "honestly" and "seriously." So I would say something like, "Seriously. I just waited 30 hours at the DMV." Some people say "truthfully" or "Here's the thing." Pick something like that to replace the "literally"s in your life. And Viva La Revolucion! Or I might poke your eyes out....figuratively.

Friday, August 13, 2010

So yesterday a friend and I were discussing sweater dresses for the fall. She said she loved them with leggings and boots and I agreed. So then I started thinking I might need some new boots. And I found these little lovelies.

So what that they're $675.00?

Not a big deal right?

"Cason and Kendall, I am so sorry that you guys are cold this winter because you only have underwear to wear. But look at mommy's boots!"

"Guys, I know you are sick of eating Ramen for every meal but aren't mommy's boots AMAZING?"

"I'm sorry that we had to go without electricity for four months. BUT THE BOOTS!"

Well, I suppose a girl can dream.

Monday, August 09, 2010

Today, I found Kendall in the bathroom standing in a puddle of pee while looking in the mirror putting on my makeup.

I'm trying to tell myself that I've been through this before.

Today is a Sonic day. Don't worry my friends. I'm only getting an unsweet tea.

Excuse me while I go cry.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Hypothetically speaking, if you were to do something crazy say like.....give up sweets for a month when you have a massive sweet tooth, I wanted to give you a heads up as to what the first two days would be like:

Day 1: Huh...this isn't too bad. Sure I'd like a donut but nothing I can't handle.

Day 2: OH MY GOSH!! SOMEONE GIVE ME AN M&M RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL ALL DIE!!!! DIE, I TELL YOU!!!!!!!! GIVE ME CANDY NOW YOU PEONS!!!!!!!!!! CANDY!!!! COOKIES!!!!! CANDY!!!! BROWNIES!!!!!!! GIVE ME SUGAR!!!!!

You know, hypothetically speaking.

Really, your inner Chris Farley will come out and it won't be pretty.



And this feeling will be intermittent with a calm feeling of daydreaming of sweets, perusing the internet looking for awesome dessert recipes that you will make on September 1*.

So now I'm on Day 3. Feeling a little more in control than yesterday. I know I will be faced with sweets tonight so I'm prepared for that. I've got a party to go to, and I just hope Chris Farley stays at home.

*Smores brownies