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Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I know this is a long post but please read if you have a minute as your thoughts on the matter are coveted.
I had a post all prepared about Kendall's 18 month check up that was to have happened this morning, complete with jokes about how she's 19 months and you know, she's the second child so just be glad that I realized she needed a check up before shes' 3 and blah blah. HOWEVER the doctor had a different plan in mind. The plan involved me waiting in the waiting room for over an hour and asking the receptionist when we were up and she told me there were still two people in front of me and because of some emergency, Dr. was running way behind. I rescheduled appt. and now she will be 20 months when we go. I love our kids pediatrician, I really do. And I get that waiting is part of the deal. But can someone in the medical field please explain to me why a doctor would continue to take on new patients, when, clearly, they are over worked!
Enough about that.
I've been thinking a lot about something lately (well, I've been thinking about a lot of things like The Loser Jon Gosselin, and why in the world Jessica Simpson would want to have a Barbie birthday party but that's not what this post is about). I've been thinking about how much we (and by "we" I mean "I" because I really struggle with this) compare our children. We compare them to other children their age. We compare them to their siblings. I don't know what it is that compels parents to do this. Perhaps it's our own insecurities we project onto our babies. Maybe we just want to make sure our kids are growing and developing like they should.
But it's hard.
I remember when Kendall was two months old, I compared her to a picture of Cason at the same age. In the picture, Cason had a huge grin on his face. Kendall rarely smiled. I told the pediatrician that I just didn't get why Kendall wouldn't smile at us like Cason did. Well, she had horrible reflux and I guess that if you had a belly full of spicy milk that at any second was likely to come shooting out your nose, making it feel like you were drowning, you might not smile either. Kendall has since become very smiley and laughs a lot but she does have a serious side.
It's also hard when there are parents who brag about their kids. A LOT. Now, should we be proud of our kids and what they do and accomplish? YES. Of course! But, for some people, it's just another rung on the "mommy ladder." And if you are neurotic, like me, you hear things like that and think, "Well, my kid is nowhere close to that! Is there something wrong with them? is there something wrong with me?!"
Recently, someone that has a child Kendall's age, was saying that, apparently, their daughter speaks only in paragraphs and makes up songs about other children and is fully potty trained, and is also reading Dante's Inferno. In Spanish. Well, guess what, that ain't Kendall. (SIDENOTE: I'm not sure she wouldn't use the potty, I just don't really care at this point. TANGENT ALERT: I think "potty" is the stupidest word in the human language. It makes otherwise intelligent adults sound idiotic. I've been trying to get Cason to say "bathroom" instead. The other day, at church, he told an elderly lady he had to go poop in the bathroom. Not quite what I was going for. TANGENT OVER.)
And I've had a parent with a child Cason's age go on and on about their child's mathematical ability (apparently their child woke up one morning able to multiply square roots!) to which I just said, "Oh, Cason still eats dirt." That pretty much shut down that conversation.
I guess what my point is (YES! I have one!) is that last night, I had a light bulb moment of sorts. By comparing my kids to others, I'm really shortchanging their OWN abilities and strengths. Cason may not be the best artist out there. He still scribbles and doesn't color things realistic colors. But you know what? He's a REALLY good athlete for a three year old. And he can hear a song one or two times and know almost all the words. Kendall doesn't say a whole lot for her age yet, but she is VERY observant. And she can climb anywhere and on anything. And she is really, really funny for a one and half year old.
Every kid has his or her own abilities and strengths. What are your thoughts on this? Am I the only one here who struggles in this area? Is is part of parenthood? Hello, anyone? ANYONE? BUELLER?
12 comments:
Yes! I do the same thing ALL.THE.TIME. Ty is a smart kid but I freak out when his friends can do so much more than him in an area. Bryce gets compared to Ty and Lainey gets measured against the babies her age at church. I think it is just part of wanting something to say that you are a good parent and doing a good job. You know? If your kid is better than all the other kids at X, then you are obviously a good mom. It bites you in the behind, though, when your kid can't do Y and everyone else can.
Comes with the territory and probably won't change even if you want to stop. That's my vote.
You have to take Dr. and Mrs. Barf with a grain of salt. They probably also brag about their automobile, their vacations, how hard it is to lose those last 2 lbs of pre-pregnancy weight, blah, blah, blah. A certain amount of comparison is okay to determine if you SHOULD be worried about a competency that you think should have been mastered by now. After all, we do like role models and push them in front of ourselves and the kids constantly anyway "to live up to" or "to aspire to". And, within reason, this can be positive.
But pushing your kids to do something because you THINK (or you've been "told") someone else's kid can do it isn't smart at ALL! All it does is make your child feel that they don't measure up somehow, that they have to "perform" to get your love and attention, and increase their frustration when they don't measure up to an impossible bar that the "world" has raised.
The parents who "pimp" their kids perceived abilities are only trying to pump themselves up. I sure wouldn't want to live next door to those kids when they're teenagers and possibly (probably?) hate their parents and themselves as well.
Pretty soon your kids be teenagers and the only comparisons you'll be making are "Shoot, at least MY kid doesn't have a police record!" and be happy as a clam about that. :) So, take a deep breath, enjoy your kids as they are and next time someone tries to take you down with a "My little Johnny can..." you can just look them in the eye and with a straight face reply "You know, Cason tried that once but we had a priest exorcise him and we don't have that problem anymore".
I know, I always FREAK when people say their dog can speak French or when they tell me that they can actually have someone come to their front door and their dogs not have a coronary over someone ringing the bell/knocking on the door...I'm all, "Oh yeah, well my dog can high five..." Just tell the people to suck it (that's appropriate right?) and that your kids are awesome...I may have missed the point of this post...
While I can't comment on children in general since I don't have any, I do know your children are beautiful!!
However, I can comment on doctor wait times!! While wait times can be the result of something very political (it tends to be in our case at the moment), it often boils down to the doctors time being more valuable than anyone elses. Not all the time though. People coming late to their appointments is a huge factor as well, because everyone gets pushed back. I know way to much about it from the healthcare and patient standpoint and could go on for hours, but heres just my 2 cents : )
I first have to say that you make me laugh every day...
I think every mom struggles with comparing their child to other children. Ryan is 15 months old and JUST started walking. His other little friends at church around the same age have been walking forever (even one who has club feet). I was really starting to freak out, but then he showed me that he's just going to do it on his time.
As for people who actually brag about what their kid can do...they're probably covering up for something that their kid can't do. Like go through a meal without poking themselves in the eyeball with their fork. (No, Ryan does not even use spoons and forks yet. We're working on it.)
I've found it so much easier and enjoyable to be a mommy that celebrates what my little guy CAN do. Even if that means I get excited when he throws all his books on the ground before he tries to look at any of them.
In the words of the late and completely awesome MJ, You are not alone. I am guilty of this every.single.day. It's not enough that I'm self conscious to the extreme about my parenting abilities, but add in other kids who do things well in advance of Anna Jane and also throw in a couple of daycare teachers who like to remind me constantly of all the things she doesn't do and well, you end up with a big jealous, worried crying fit over the whole thing.
Thanks for the reminder that each child is different and has their own gifts. Anna refuses to roll over, but the girl is a great swimmer. She won't stand up on our laps, but we all know she has the best dang hairbows that daycare has ever seen.
Oh Emily...where does one begin? It's just like when I taught and parents told me how their kid could read already, or was reading chapter books, or blah, blah, blah. And I wanted to say, "Well guess what, by the end of the year all of these children in here will be reading and your kid will be none the better. And to top it off, it all plateaus at some point anyway* so it's not like because you're child is reading prior to Kindergarten or 1st grade that he/she will be some genius." But parents really didn't get it, so I would just smile and nod and say "oh that's great". And it's not like as a parent you can't share in another parent's joy of a success for their child, but we all know the ones that just want to climb on their high horse.
*Not to say that there aren't people who are smarter than others or kids that are smarter than others, but reaching certain milestones does not indicate that. And a whole lot of smart, mile-stone meeting kids and adults have not a lick of common sense.
I am going to struggle with this SO MUCH. I am very competitive- if quietly so, because I don't want to be like, "I'm gonna beat you by a mile!" and then be wrong, because I'd just rather gloat silently than be wrong- and I can already feel I'm going to be that way with my kids, and mine is only 11 months old! I have to keep kicking myself and saying, "Yes, I realize I think she is the best and brightest, but I don't need to tell anyone else that because I don't want to be one of those annoying bragging parents, and sometimes she might not be the first to acccomplish this skill, and all that matters is that she is who she is." Who cares if she learns to read as early as my little sister did or, someday, graduates at the head of her class? As long as she is happy and sweet, the rest of it doesn't matter. I hope I can remember that.
PS. Your answer to the math kid's parent is awesome.
I feel the exact same way. I think it's because we are task/goal oriented and we want some sort of affirmation that we are doing a good job.
Yeah. There a boy the same age as mine and he's talking in sentences. Mine still babbles. At 19 months. He chatters all the time, I just don't understand him. His dad was a late speaker, too, so I'm not sure whether I should talk to the doctor or just wait. So I compare and worry, unsure of what to do.
Not sure if you are the book reading kind of mom (I am NOT), but we studied the book Raising Your Kids for True Greatness. I can't remember the author's name (Ken something maybe??). It has a wonderful perspective on all of this. You have my permission to give it to any parent you think may need it!
Emily! I just read a little of your blog because I loved your FB status this morning-you are always so clever-just as I remember you, friend! Anyway, I enjoy reading about your kids and your sweet little life in OK. I am not a mother, but as a teacher, I am always comparing the kids in my class to each other. As the beginning of my school year is approaching, I am so thankful to be reminded to look at the strengths that each of my new students will possess-and to build on those as I teach them new things-thanks for the reminder!
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