Wednesday, April 30, 2008

"Stop! Do not get in the tub yet! You have a pebble of poop stuck to your testicles!"

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Jenny from the block is going to have her own reality series. The new series, courtesy of TLC, documents her life as "an actress and singer, new mother of twins and entrepreneur, launching a fragrance line." Being a bit liberal with the terms "actress and singer" aren't we TLC? No word on the series name yet. I have a few suggestions:

1. "How Nannies Raise Babies"
2. "Cloth Diapers - We Don't 'em But Our Staff Does"
3. "Baby Poop on Cashmere Onesies"
4. "I'm so Glad I had Babies so I Could Ignore Them While Shamelessly Plugging my Own Business Ventures"

Ok, that last one might be a little long. I also have one more title for the series,"What you regular people do everyday without 4 live in nannies, 2 live in maids, a gardener, personal chef and countless amounts of money at your disposal."

I just hope she has cleaned out all the IFV paraphernalia before the cameras start rolling so that she can keep lying about it.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Hey, can you guess who's four months old?  Thats' right, Miss Priss, herself.  She went for her check up today.  She weighs 12.5 pounds.  She's 24 3/4 inches.  That means she's in the 25% for weight and the (wait for it) 90% for height.  They actually measured her three times to make sure it was right.  Just call her Gisele.  But Kendall, don't get your hopes up.  Neither your dad nor I are tall and lean.  We also learned how to get Cason weighed.  At his two year check up, he wouldn't GO NEAR the scale but today, when it was Kendall's turn to get weighed, he insisted on being weighed too.  Jealous much?
Cason has discovered Nemo.  He's been a Lightning McQueen fan for awhile and he also loves 101 Dalmatians (big shout out to my parents for that - THANK YOU for getting that movie for him, we love watching it 28 times a day).  But now he also loves Nemo.  And when he says Nemo, it sounds like Mama and so I'm like, "Aw, yes babe?  What do you need?" and he's all, "Get over yourself lady, I said Nemo."  
Today, he told me he wanted to brush his teeth ("teef pwees") and promptly went and washed his toothbrush in the dog's water bowl.  The thing is, I'm not sure whose mouth is cleaner.  I'm fairly certain that Sunny would want her bowl washed out before drinking out of it again.  

Monday, April 21, 2008

A month ago at my Bunco group, I won a beautiful pot of daises. They were big and colorful. After a few weeks with me they pretty much went from looking like this:

To this:

They're dead. Real dead. I don't know what happened. I tried to take good care of them. I even asked my horticulturally blessed friend, Lisa for help. She's like that scene in ET where he just looks at the plant and it start growing. We talked about some things I could do for the plant. I just can't grow anything! I cannot, in any way, keep plants from dying. People kept yelling things at me like, "Water them!", "They need sunlight!", "Cut the dead blooms off!" and I was all, "Leave me alone about my stinkin' plants people!" And the scary part is, God put two children in my care. Ha! Too late to take it back now! Colin has a dream of winning yard of the month. Yeah, that ain't happenin' as long as I'm in charge of flowers. Some people have a green thumb. I apparently have one with skulls and crossbones on it.

Black pants update: None yet. And I've discovered that his may not be the best time of year to be looking as all the pants are "New Cropped Length!", "Bermuda Style!" and stuff.

Bathing suit update: A big shout out to my bloggy friend Shellie (side note: For a look at how real people lose weight in a real way, not the Mariah Carey way, check out Shellie's weight loss blog - it's inspiring!) for pointing me towards Shade Clothing. Cute clothes at decent prices. They even have little girl clothes. I think I'll definitely be ordering a bathing suit from Shade Clothing. Modest clothing! Novel concept! I tell ya, what will they come up with next? Movies without sex?

Friday, April 18, 2008

Tonight on one of the Encore channels, they were showing Judge Dredd, showcasing the fine acting skills of one Sylvester Stallone.  Colin watched it.  When it was over, we had the following conversation:

Colin: That was honestly the worst movie I have ever seen.  I mean it was terrible.

Emily:  And yet you sat here and watched it.  The whole thing.

Colin:  Yeah.  Why?  What?  What?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

So that's what I did this morning. I tried on a few bathing suits. I'm breastfeeding a baby. Hmmm. I'm hoping for a little less "porn star meets shut up I had a baby four months ago" and a little more, "Yes, I have two kids, and you can only tell at certain angles." But so far to no avail. I mean does every bathing suit designer in America insist on cutting the neck line past your naval? Maybe I'll just be one of those cool people who wears a T-shirt and cutoffs at the water park.

Also, I'm looking for the perfect black pants. I have the perfect pair right now. I bought them in college. But as Stacy and Clinton say, timeless pieces never go out of style. My mom even tailored them for me so they fit PERFECT. But hundreds of dry cleanings, two pregnancies in which I wore them until it was ridiculous, countless recess duties, and twelve hundred church services later, I think it's time to replace them. I've been looking and haven't found anything. They must be hiding with my perfect bathing suit. Here's the criteria:

- They must MUST drape and be all wide-leg trouser-y. No stiff fabric. I have a pair that is more like a jean fit from GAP that I like just fine but I need to have some more dressy pants.
-The price must NOT be more than my monthly mortgage payment. I'm sorry but I just don't feel right about telling my kids that they have to be homeless because, "Mommy wanted new black wide leg trousers and all I could find was this Ann Taylor pair for $912.00"

So, any suggestions? Do you have a favorite pair of black pants and if so, where are they from?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Hey, remember this? Well, I would like to add two one more group of people to the list of those I want to have Damian as their child - people who have no children yet who are bent on telling you how to raise yours. Note to those with no children: Never EVER say, "MY child will never..." Trust me, I did and they will.

Monday, April 14, 2008

I'm guest blogging a few times this week over at Anderson Happenings. Check it out if you need more of me. And if my kids do something unbelievably funny, I'll blog about it here.

Friday, April 11, 2008

I'll be honest. It's been a tough day. One of those days where you seriously question your decision to reproduce. One of those days where you wonder which daycare is the closest to where you live. I'll spare you all the details but the highlights include losing pacifiers, extreme temper tantrums, Kendall crying for NO REASON, me fighting with the STUPID STUPID DOUBLE STROLLER! while my daughter was in it screaming and a man was looking at us, waiting in line forever to exchange a pair of shoes and finding out that the chocolate turnovers at Arby's are only there for a limited amount of time. Oh, and did I mention that Colin has a game at 8:30, meaning he won't be home till after midnight?

I was doing some shopping at Target (I know you're probably thinking, "Is she always at Target?" and yes, I am) and there was a lady there having a similar, if not worse, day. Both of her kids were throwing massive fits. But, hey, no judgment here. What struck me was the way she was dealing with it. One of her children screamed, "I don't love you anymore!" Her reply was, "Good, because I never loved you." Now I'm sure that she was just saying that. And I don't want to be one of those parents that when the kid says that, I respond, "Why don't you love me? I'll give you what you want if you say you love me." I hope I can be the parent that says, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I still love you." Back to our parent at Target, her little girl was crying and after several times of telling her to shut up, she took her around the corner and told her that if she didn't shut her damn mouth, she was going to smack the crap out of her because she was getting on her damn nerves. It made me really sad for the kids. I know that this mom loves her kids and who knows what all is going on in her life to make her talk to her kids like this. She was probably talked to like that when she was a child. And please believe that 30 minutes earlier, I was telling my oldest in the car that I was going to give him a spanking if he didn't quit throwing a fit. But it made me think about how I sound to my kids. I don't want to sound angry, frustrated and like they are a huge burden to me and intrude on the things I want to do. I want them to feel secure and loved. I know those are the things we all want for our kids, those here and those we will have in the future (YOU will have, not me) but I think that was God teaching me a little lesson today, because I hope I NEVER say hateful things to my kids. I thought about that when Cason threw the box of diapers out of the cart. I thought about that when he was screaming, "Moma, No! Moma, No!" over and over again because I wouldn't buy him a Twix bar in the checkout line. I thought about that when Kendall would not fall asleep this afternoon. And I thought about it again when Cason sneaked outside while I was going to the bathroom.

And now I think I'm going to get a chocolate turnover from Arby's.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

....or any other time for that matter.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Lately, Cason has taken a liking to telling us what things are. Examples: "There's a dog." "There's a book." etc.

Today we were watching TV (what?! you let your two year old watch TV?!) and Ryan Seacrest (what?! you let your two year old watch Ryan Seacrest?!) was on. Cason pointed to him and said, "There's Daddy!"

Well, no. If it had been George Clooney (I blow a kiss your way, you liberal, you) or Justin Timberlake, perhaps.

Then there was a picture of Beyonce and Cason said, "There's Mom!" I had to explain to him that even though Beyonce and I have shockingly similar physiques and let's face it, we could be twins, that is NOT his mom there in that satin, gold outfit.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

If you aren't related to us (and even if you are), this post may be boring to you so you can just go on to the next blog you stalk.  My little 6 pound baby some how grew into a two year old.  I don't when that happened.  No one asked me about it.  Cason, I love being your mom so much.  Sometimes, I look at other children that are -ahem- slightly better behaved than you, but they don't have your personality.  The truth is, on most days, I wouldn't trade you for anything.  

Below are a few, ok,  A LOT, of pictures, mostly of Cason's life from the beginning.  I threw in a few of Kendall too, because I do have two kids.  

Mommy, do something with my crazy hair.  PLEASE.  

Ah, much better.  Thank you.  Audrey, if that's not a plug for your business, I don't know what is. (Side note: Audrey, I have not forgot that I haven't paid you. )

Ok, look at this picture and tell me that red heads aren't beautiful.  Go ahead, do it.  That's right, you can't.  

C getting his fist haircut.  He was due for one after two people thought he was a girl.  What can I say, he had beautiful curls.  

Cason, you have seriously surprised me with how much of a good brother you are.  You love your little sister so much and only act jealous every now and then.  

He's really messy.  We make him eat outside.  Just kidding.  Kind of.  

C's first Christmas. As the first grandchild on both sides, you can imagine that he really didn't get very much...

...but he did get a new truck. Ha. kidding. I just like to do that sometimes.

If you look REAL CLOSE you can see the mass bruise on his forehead. He did that while with his dad.

Here's our cool cowboy.

Cason and Sunny are buddies...although looking at this picture, she doesn't look that happy with him.

I call this picture, "Why Wet Wipes were Invented."

I don't know why, but I just love these two pictures.

What you can't see in the rest of the picture is that he is most times.

Here's my little baby.... my first thought when I saw him was "Wow...he's skinny."

Here's little C at his first baseball game. The first of MANY, I am sure

This picture was on Gary England's Hot Shots. Just so you know, my kid's kinda famous.

Thanks for indulging me in this. It's been a great two years with you, Case. We enjoy it 100%, ok 90%, alright a good 60% of the time.  Mom loves you more than you'll ever know.  I'm pretty sure Dad does too.  

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Oh, please. Don't roll your eyes at me and act like you're not excited people. So put your extra large buttons on your acid wash denim purse, get your t-shirts and scrunchies out and get ready to do the New Kid Dance.

Question: Do they need to change their name to "Slightly older, middle aged men on the Block"?

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

After Kendall was born, one of my lovely friends brought over a delicious pasta dish. A few days later, I was washing out the glass dish it was in and it exploded. I mean EXPLODED. Into about 80 million little pieces. All over the kitchen. So cleaning that up was fun. And it was even more fun telling my lovely friend that I blasted her dish into oblivion. I would like to tell you that nothing has exploded in my kitchen since then. I WOULD LIKE to be able to say I learned my lesson and am very careful with glass now.

But I can't.

Today, I was making Cason macaroni and cheese and I put the pot on the stove to boil the water. About five minutes later, there was an explosion in the kitchen. I ran in thinking, "How can a stainless steel pot explode?" It can't. But the glass dish with the brownies in it? It can. Especially when you have it on a burner and you accidentally turn the burner on. See, I thought I was turning on the burner for the pot, and well, never mind, you get the picture. And I failed to pick up on the subtle cues like the smoke and the stench of burning brownie pre-explosion. At that point, it would have been easier to say, forget it, we're going to Chick-fil-A but I still had my pajamas on. Don't worry though, Cason didn't have on his pj's. He was wearing a diaper and crocs. So I cleaned up the HUGE mess while trying to convince C he definitely did NOT want to eat a brownie covered in shards of glass. Luckily the only major injury was suffered by me when I step on a burning piece of glass. That felt nice. And heads up ladies: If you ever cause a glass pan of brownies to explode DO NOT call your husband to ask if the Shop Vac can pick up the glass. He will not be happy. It can, by the way.